No Filter Holiday Edition

So, spending the better part of two weeks with MIL has provided quite a few No Filters and some bad behavior as well. Enjoy!

image

-So, Butthead has two brothers, one who MIL lives with and the other who lives a few hours away. I use facebook to show MIL pics of brother 2’s kids. He and his wife have a 10 year old boy and an 8 month old baby girl. After seeing her Christmas pictures,  this happens:

MIL: “See, (Butthead), (Bro#2) makes pretty babies, so you can too! “

(Blank stare exchange between Butthead and I)

– Bro#1’s girlfriend, we will call her Hippie, was making cupcakes with her daughter before dinner one night. MIL was already in super rare form, tired from work and apparently grouchy … cringe worthy moments followed. Hippie kept her cool, though, God love her.

MIL: Cupcakes before dinner?

Hippie: Yes ma’am, we ran out of time earlier.

MIL: Don’t fill those cups so high, you won’t have enough for all the cups.

Hippie: (Forces a smile as she side eyes MIL) (Pours last of batter in a cup, then gets spoon to dip from others to fill remaining two cups)

MIL: Eh, don’t do that, just put water in those so they don’t burn.

Hippie: (Visibly aggravated, but still smiling, puts water in tray…)

MIL: Don’t splash the others!

Hippie: (no longer smiling) I got it, thanks. (Puts pan in oven)

MIL: Should you be cooking those while dinner is being cooked?

Hippie: (goes to take them out, very agrivated, but forces another smile)

MIL: No, no. .. leave them. They are already in there.

Hippie: (retreats to room, biting a hole in her lip… I’m sure.)

– So, after that debacle, we finsh dinner and MILs phone rings. It says it’s her sister, which is strange because she never calls so late. Turns out it’s her sister’s daughter calling to tell her that her sister is in the hospital. This upsets her, but she trys not to show it… until:

(me, MIL, and Bro#1 are talking in the kitchen)

*pop*pop*pop* from outside…

MIL: Damn it! Again!? (Her dogs start going ape)

Bro#1: Calm down, Mom. They’ll quit soon enough. It’s just some firecrackers…

MIL: No! I’ve had enough of their crap! (If she was a cartoon, I am positive steam would be rolling out her ears.)

Bro#1: Mom… (turns to put milk back in fridge)… just… (turns back and she’s gone) …well, (hears front door shut) …shit.

*sitting at the kitchen table I can hear her thru the window ripping the neighbor a new one. A few minutes later I hear her, Butthead and Bro #1 come back in*

Butthead: Mom, you can’t do that shit! He’s a G R O W N man!

MIL: I can’t… right now… I have to go get a cool rag. (Asthma/BP acting up… had to go calm herself)

**knock on front door**

Butthead and Bro#1: Shit!

**After a few minutes, she returns to kitchen, a bit calmer…and they return from the front porch.**

Butthead: Mom, the neighbor came to apologise. (Turns out he told them he had not been scolded like that since he was a kid-haha! )

MIL: So?

Butthead: So? ! He felt bad he upset you!

MIL: Yeah, right!

Butthead: He was just having fun with his little boy, he doesn’t get to see him often!

MIL: Who does that?! Fireworks with kids… pfft. (Ill-logic ramping up)

Butthead: Uh, a lot of folks…

** so this continues for about 10 mins, logical vs illogical, until…**

MIL: I can’t argue with you, (Butthead), you are too logical!

HAHAHA! This is literally the closest EVER she has come to admitting defeat! EVER! Seriously!

That’s all for now. Hope you enjoyed! Til next time! ♡♥♡♥
image

Advertisements

No Filter Round 5

image

Ah. Thanksgiving. It brings out the best No Filterisms. Enjoy!
(For previous No Filters, check out my Favorite Topics page! )

-Reading dessert recipes in a cookbook:
“Better than sex cookies… (snickers to self) I need to make me some of those! “

-Telling our client about us making deviled eggs:
But, I wrap the carton in aluminium foil, so it doesnt make the fridge smell like a big fart.”
(I swear, folks I can’t make this sh!t up!)

-Asking the lady employee at Kroger where something is:
“So, do you actually know where things are, or are you just directing traffic?”

-Butthead and MIL discussing the sweet potatoes:
Butthead: Okay, they’re ready to go.
MIL: Watch em close
Butthead: Mom, I won’t burn them … like someone I know. (Her knack for burning the marshmallows has become legendary.)
-few minutes later-
Butthead: SHIT! -pulls sweet taters out with chared marshmallow topping-
MIL: -busts out laughing- Just like home! *sing-song voice* Memories, ohhh Memories!

…but my favorite memory with MIL this Thanksgiving was making a Pineapple Upside-down Cake with her. I melted the butter and sugar. She mixed the batter. We placed the pinapple and cherries, poured the batter and baked it. It came out perfect! 🙂 our first time baking it! We were so proud of ourselves, we even high fived! ♡♡♡

image

No Filter Round 4

image

More facepalms and snickers from MIL… for previous No Filters, check out my “Favorite Topics” page!

-Telling us a story about her old friend she recently visited:

MIL: …I feel so bad, she is living in a piece of ass little trailer…

Butthead: (cracks up) Mom, mom. (Laughs)

MIL: (looks confused) What? What is so funny?

Butthead: (still laughing) That’s NOT how you use that phrase! 

MIL waves him off and keeps talking.

Our convo about rice:

Buttheads nephew:(eating rice) I wonder what eats rice naturally?

Butthead: I dunno, it grows in flooded rice patties, kind of hard to access…

MIL: Foreigners eat the rice.

(We all stare at her)

Butthead: Mom!

MIL: Well, they do! It’s a staple in the asian diet!

Butthead: But, Mom, you can’t just say it like that! It sounds, bad!

MIL: Well… you know what I mean…

Calling around about pre-cooked Thanksgiving Dinners:

MIL: What is in your deluxe dinner? Mhmm…how much is that? PFTTT!  $150.00?!  I think I can find a pie and rolls elsewhere!

(Somehow we get on the topic of strip clubs, don’t ask, I dunno!)

Buttheads brother: Yeah, in other states they don’t get naked. They just have pasties and panties.

MIL: Well, what’s the use in that? You can see the same thing on the beach!

(We all pause, look at her… then crack up)

Well…that’s all for this week! I have a feeling Thanksgiving will provide several good gems for me to share! 🙂 Til next time!♡♥♡♥

image

What a Day

Got sassed by a 70 year old.

Got a couple of No Filter gems.

Got an odd gesture from an out of place bicyclist.

So, I am a care taker. My clients are an elderly couple. Ms. A is usually a cheery patient. Well, not today.

Today, my instructions were to keep her up until 12:30 then she could lay down. She has been in PT, so just sitting up is a strengthening exercise. She wanted none of this! She tried to get to the couch, by herself. I stop her and help her over. Sneaky lil thing thought she would pull one over on me, and threw her legs up to lay on the couch. This convo ensues:

Me: Nooooo, Ms. A. You have to sit up.

Ms. A: (cuts eyes) Says who?

Me: Your Physical Therapist.

Ms. A: Well, she ain’t here!

Me: *sigh*

image

I also got a couple of No Filter-isms today as well. MIL was on it today!

Speaking of a scary situation that happened near by yesterday:
“Its things like that, that make me want a gun. I told myself I would get one years ago, before I divorced ______. Truth be told, its probally good I didn’t. He made me soooooo mad! I don’t think I woulda shot him, but it would have been tempting. (Laughs)”

Telling me about picking up our lunch at Subway: “As I was getting our sandwiches, they were toasting the guy behind me’s sandwich. It smelled so good, I thought about knocking him in the head and taking it! (Laughs)”

*I am not sure why so violent today! Haha! Not like she’d ever do it… I hope 😉 *

–Finally, as I was driving home, about 5 miles from home I passed a guy on a bicycle. Sounds normal enough… except we live a good ways out from town. Not many folks riding bikes. Then to add to the oddity, as I pass by him- he blows a kiss and waves! What?! I looked in my rearview, he’s still just waving away! WHAT?! Essh. Weird!

At least Butthead was getting dinner together when I arrived. Yummy, homemade chicken and rice soup. Ahhh. At least I didn’t have to fumble with another dinner disaster. 😉

C’est la vie!

image

No Filter Round 3

image

(If you haven’t seen my previous posts: No Filter and No Filter Round 2, please see those! )

Taking a sip of coffee: “Whooo,  That’ll knock your hat in the creek!”

Argueing with the girl at the McDonald’s drive thru: “All you have to do is read THAT screen AND put the food IN THE BAG! IS WHATS ON THE SCREEN, IN THIS BAG? NO! IT’S NOT!”

Talking about my Step Brother in Law and his wife hosting Thanksgiving: “I don’t want burritos for Thanksgiving!”
*disclaimer- Yes, his wife is from Mexico, but to MILs defense… that’s all she’s seen her cook. If it was me, her comment would be ‘I don’t want sloppy joes’ (my specialty).*

Talking about all the political commercials littering the airwaves lately: “They all lie! (Talking to TV): I DON’T WANNA VOTE FOR YOU! SHUSH!”

NOW- SOME NO FILTER WORDS!
I know these don’t have to do with the “no filter” really, but, I find it funny! Hope you do, too!

*Xzaray- “x-ray”

*Lizbin- “lesbian”

*Zackabees- “Zaxbys, a local restaurant chain”

*Fooler- a pacifier

*Shit Tickets/ Butt Wipe- toliet paper (lol, swear to God! You can’t make this up!)

Hope you enjoyed this round of No Filter!  Til next time!♡

image

No Filter Round 2

image

This was such a hit- I had to do this again!

If you missed my first post… check out “No Filter” a couple of posts down↓↓↓

So… MIL has provided more hilarious quips for me to share- enjoy! 😉

Telling me about her trip to the DFACS office-
“You see a lot of funny people in there, ya know? Not funny ‘haha’, but funny ‘peculiar’.”

After scolding her female dog-
“And that’s why they call them bitches!”

After getting cut off in traffic-
“Yeah… go ahead, I might have brakes! You don’t know!!!”

Sees teenager in suped up Honda next to her at red light. Chuckles to self as red light turns and she guns it, leaving Honda boy in her dust.-
“Hahaha! LOVE THAT V8, DONTCHA!”

Well that’s all I have for now! I know I will have more soon! Stayed tuned!! Til next time, lovelies!♡♡♡

image