I have dipped lightly into this topic previously. But, I feel the need to put this out there. Confront this demon head on. It burdens my heart and I need to “put pen to paper” or so to speak… and just get it off my chest!
Always have. From the time I started “developing”. I went from the gangly little tom boy to a chesty, hippy awkward teen. Looking back, I wish I had more confidence. Looking at pictures, I see a pretty girl who thought she was ugly and fat.
Truth be told, I would be happy to be that size again. In high school, I was a size 14. 5’2″ and around 150 lbs. I played soccer and swam on my swim team. I was active and never got smaller. I was *healthy* but I wished I was skinny. I idolized skinny. I wanted a flat tummy. I wanted to be “cute.”
I think back to those days. That young me and I want to shake myself. Dont let yourself go. Dont give up. Maintain… you are perfectly fine.
Even Butthead saw it. Even though I had added about 10 lbs from stress, he saw my beauty at 18. He still does, actually. Almost 10 years and a lot of pounds later. He tells me I am beautiful. Why can’t I feel it though?
What I see in the mirror isn’t beautiful to me. I see my skin aging. I see my big forehead and tiny nose. I hate both of my chins equally. I see gravity taking hold of my chest and a stretch marked stomach that has never held a child to excuse the marks. My thighs jiggle too much and I have huge calves from my soccer days (and crappy genetics). My feet are okay. I do have cute toes, if they are polished.
Butthead gets upset when I dismiss his comments about my beauty. How can I see what he sees? Shouldnt I be able to take pride in the fact he calls me sexy? Shouldn’t that make me feel sexy and beautiful?
I feel broken. I would love to be confident. I would love to feel like those girls who are “proud to be thick” and triumphantly sing “all about that bass”. But I can’t. I can pretend, but I can’t honestly wrap my head around it!
I need to start saying this motto, though. I need to start loving me. I need to love my body, so I can see what he sees. I have to battle these demons, because if I have a little girl one day, I want her to be confident.
I want her to know she can move mountains. I want her to know her beauty is more than a reflection in the mirror. But how can I teach her to love herself, when I don’t love myself?
Til next time♡♥♡♥