My Biggest Struggle

I have dipped lightly into this topic previously. But, I feel the need to put this out there. Confront this demon head on. It burdens my heart and I need to “put pen to paper” or so to speak… and just get it off my chest!

I.
HATE.
MY.
BODY.

Always have. From the time I started “developing”. I went from the gangly little tom boy to a chesty, hippy awkward teen. Looking back, I wish I had more confidence.  Looking at pictures, I see a pretty girl who thought she was ugly and fat.

Truth be told, I would be happy to be that size again. In high school, I was a size 14. 5’2″ and around 150 lbs. I played soccer and swam on my swim team. I was active and never got smaller. I was *healthy* but I wished I was skinny. I idolized skinny. I wanted a flat tummy. I wanted to be “cute.”

I think back to those days. That young me and I want to shake myself. Dont let yourself go. Dont give up. Maintain… you are perfectly fine.

Even Butthead saw it. Even though I had added about 10 lbs from stress, he saw my beauty at 18. He still does, actually. Almost 10 years and a lot of pounds later. He tells me I am beautiful. Why can’t I feel it though?

What I see in the mirror isn’t beautiful to me. I see my skin aging. I see my big forehead and tiny nose. I hate both of my chins equally. I see gravity taking hold of my chest and a stretch marked stomach that has never held a child to excuse the marks. My thighs jiggle too much and I have huge calves from my soccer days (and crappy genetics). My feet are okay. I do have cute toes, if they are polished.

Butthead gets upset when I dismiss his comments about my beauty. How can I see what he sees? Shouldnt I be able to take pride in the fact he calls me sexy? Shouldn’t that make me feel sexy and beautiful?

I feel broken. I would love to be confident. I would love to feel like those girls who are “proud to be thick” and triumphantly sing “all about that bass”. But I can’t. I can pretend, but I can’t honestly wrap my head around it!

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I need to start saying this motto, though. I need to start loving me. I need to love my body, so I can see what he sees. I have to battle these demons, because if I have a little girl one day, I want her to be confident.

I want her to know she can move mountains. I want her to know her beauty is more than a reflection in the mirror. But how can I teach her to love herself, when I don’t love myself?
Til next time♡♥♡♥

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More Than Expected

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For more on my Vaping Journey:
Favorite Topics

Vaping has given me more than I ever expected! I noticed this last night as I worked on the “Favorite Topics” page.

Vaping has tamed my Baby Fever! It is not gone, but Vaping has given me something to focus my attention on. I feel productive and like I am achieving something. Something that is moving me towards the goal of having kids!

I see it this way, by quitting smoking I am:

→ Making my body healthier to carry a child.

→I feel that I will be able to get healthier, now that I can BREATHE!

→Our home will be cleaner and smell better(no ashtrays and smoke) and thus will be more suitable for kids.

So… hip hip hooray for kicking butt!

Cleaning the Vape

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Cleaning Tutorial. Giving some insight into my new Vaping reality.
I guess as with anything that is better for you, vaping requires more effort on your part. Part of the extra effort is cleaning and refilling the vape.

In all honesty- taking photos, creating the graphics and writing this took 10x longer than the actual cleaning process! It takes (after getting the process down pat) about 10 minutes. I’ve hunted for a lighter for a longer period of time than that. So, it’s a fair enough trade!

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1. Everything all together.
Here is another diagram to show the pieces and their names.

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2. Remove tank from battery.
I start by cleaning the terminal. (Arrow) Swirl a q-tip around in there to get the juice and crud out.

3.Shows the black crud you get out of the terminal.

4. Next I shove a q-tip in the drip tip (mouth piece). You might have to get violent with this. I have to smush the cotton tip then forcefully convince it to go thru.

5. Grab the tank (see yucky juice remanents in there). Next is taking the tank apart.

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6. Remove bottom part of tank.
Now flip it over on a paper towel that has been folded over a few times. Let the majority of the remaining juice drain.

7. Disassemble the rest of the tank. (Depending on model of tank, there will be different pieces) my tank is a KangerTech ProTank 2. It comes completely apart.

8. All pieces of the tank.

9. Clean every-and I mean EVERY nook and cranny of this sucker! Threads, inside, outside… all of it! I use paper towels and q-tips.

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10. Shows tank disassembled, then put back together- almost. Put it all back except for putting the bottom on. You still have to refill it, silly! 😉

11. Add JUICE!- AHHH, nice, clean, wonderful juice!

12. Screw bottom back on. Attach the tank back to the battery and- drumroll…. VAPE ON!

There you have it. The very basics of Vape maintainence! Woot! 🙂

Til next time, Lovelies!♥♡♥♡

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Tips to Quit

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(In a serendipitous bit of “oh crap!” irony, as I fumbled with my vape waiting for WP to load just now,  I nearly dropped my vape into my glass of tea. No lie. It’s life flashed before my eyes. I have no clue how I saved it… it was headed for a sugary death. *sigh* That was close!)

Well, as I have been spreading the word of my sucess with putting down the smokes I have gotten questions about how.

Well, friends… here is MY advice about changing from smoking to vaping!

1. FIRST- YOU MUST WANT TO QUIT. Period. If you don’t WANT it, you won’t stick to it.

2. Go to a Vape shop. Look on Facebook, at reviews for different shops in your area. We scouted out three in our area, turns out the one with the best reviews was really the best!

3. Make sure the shop has a Vape “bar” or “lounge” where you can try different flavors. Make sure you do this on a day you have no other plans. Give yourself time to find what you like. *if you don’t like your juice, you won’t like your vape!*

4. Talk to the people at the Vape shop. They *should* have knowledge of the products. (Best one I went to-the lady had her vape in hand!) Ask what they like and why. Hold the vape, see how it feels in your hand. Make sure it’s easy for you.

5. Ask about the functionality and practicality of each vape. They have models that target different points all along the spectrum of smokers.  There are ones for social smokers who just smoke when they drink to models for people who want to look like a choo choo train! (Basically the more you smoke, the more battery (mAh) you want. (1 and 1/2 pack a day for me, I got a 2200mAh)

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Eleaf iStick 2200 mAh

6. If you are a moderate to heavy smoker (if you smoke a pack or more a day) learn this phrase and learn it well: VARIABLE VOLTAGE.
This is what you want! DO NOT GO CHEAP! Being able to adjust your hit will help your cravings! TRUST ME!

7. Remember- you get what you pay for. That $20.00 ready to go model might seem convenient at the moment, but I promise you will not be as satisfied! If you want to ENJOY this and SUCCEED… do it right!

8. If you have tried e cigs previously and failed with them… please realize, there is a difference between the “gas station” brands like Blu disposable e cigs and a vaporizer! Vapes are SOOO MUCH better! This is from experience!

9. THE JUICE! Ok, e juice is comprised of 4 ingredients- P.G., V.G, nicotine (opt), and flavor. P.G. is Propylene Glycol. This enhances flavor and gives a “throat hit” that some smokers desire. ( Butthead and I did not) V.G. is Vegetable Glycerine. This produces good, smooth vapor. I prefer a High VG juice. It provides a smoother, more satisfying vapor. My juice is 75/25 VG/PG blend. Most juice is 50/50. Ask questions and know what you are trying so you know what direction you want to go!

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***I hope this helps! If you have any questions- please ask! I am so excited about this healthy journey! I would love to help more folks join this path!***

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One Week

One week with A Vape…

and I haven’t strangled Butthead!

I haven’t busted out crying for no reason… (this happened on previous attempts to quit)

I have smoked 3 cigs since my last update. 3… and they were GRO-OOSSSS! I could taste everything, the smoke… the burnt taste. And I felt yucky after.

I am not going to lie, after I eat,  when I get in the car… I think, “hmmm… time to smoke.” But then I reach for my vape and puff on my key lime margarita… and think about how tasty the vape is compared to the nasty cig smoke. And I still get my nicotine (hurray for not nicc-ing)!

Til next time- ♡♡♡

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Change for the Better

So, today has been my first full day with a vape.

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eLeaf iStick with KangerTech ProTank2
It’s cute, fits my hand and I think it will work for me. Where as I would have already smoked a full pack today, I have smoked 7 cigs. Only reason I have even smoked those is to get rid of them. I am pretty proud of myself! I hope I can keep it up.

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I love my ejuice flavor 🙂 key lime and margarita! It is 75/25 VG to PG.  It gives a great hit and plenty of satisfying vapor.

I am currently vaping as I write this. I feel like a cig at the moment, but if I didn’t have a pack right in front of me, I think I could handle not smoking. I am testing my strength. Looking at the pack, but puffing my vape. So far so good…

I have to remind myself… this is for the best. Quitting smoking will help me breathe better, exercise better and feel better.  I do worry about nicotine withdrawl. It causes food cravings. I worry this will hurt my weight loss… but time will tell! Wish me luck, and if you pray, say a little prayer for me too,  please! ♡

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Screw You, Always!

Today I had an epiphany. Nothing life changing, no. Just annoying and well, rather depressing.

Pad companies have women locked down for life. Gah!

I saw a commercial today for the Always Discrete line of pads and briefs. Basically a bunch of women rejoycing and dancing in adult diapers. Oh, jeez.

Then I thought to myself… holy crap. Always has grabbed up the slack in their market. They have completely got us now. So this is my life… this is what I have to look forward to.

Basically, once I have no need for their products for menstruation- I will need their products for peeing myself. Oh happy day. Because- as their tag line says- pee happens.

Pee happens! Yes, ladies– this is their tag line! PEE HAPPENS.
-insert facepalm here-

Now, it is my understanding that after childbirth things like sneezing and laughing cause a bit of an issue. But- is it really, diaper bad? Cause that’s scary! Hit me with the truth, lovelies!
Til next time!♡♡

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Healthy Choices and Not Strangling Butthead

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Okay. So, yes, I smoke.

Eww…yucky…blah, get it out of the way now…

So, now that is out of the way. On to the real story.

Vaping. Good Lord Almighty… this is a whole sub-culture I had no idea about.

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These folks are serious! Very inviting and helpful, though! Butthead (if you haven’t seen my cast page, check it out in the menu) and I decided to kick the butts and vape.

We got him one last Monday, I wanted to see how it went with him before I jumped ship completely.  Plus, the first (few) times in the vape shop are quite confusing. The lingo, the different set ups, flavors, nicotine amounts. Really, it’s enough to make your head spin!

I am getting more confident in this transition, though. Of course, it is right in line with the “let’s get healthy” mantra. That is the biggest plus, but also seeing Butthead doing so well with it gives me great confidence. You see, Butthead without his nic fix becomes- lets just say, unpleasant. Yet, he has been quite delightful, dare I say chipper this entire week. So, I know the temptation to strangle him will be low!

So, I have been doing my homework! I’ve narrowed it down to three options:

Innokin iTaste MVP v.2.0
(Butthead’ s style, sans bling)

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→Variable voltage
→Variable wattage
→ohms meter
→puff counter
→short circuit protection
→overcharge protection
→LED battery indicator
→huge 2600 mAh poly li-ion battery
▶▶plus a lot more…

Innokin iTaste VV v.3.0

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Basically the smaller, more dainty version of Buttheads vape. It has a smaller, but still adequate battery. This is middle ground.

iSmoka Eleaf Mini iJust

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→variable voltage
→900 mAh
This style vape is more the visual I like and customizable, but not as quality. So I really am torn between visual customization and the function of the others.

So… any vapers out there? Input would be appreciated! Thanks! Til next time!

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