Fears

Even though I am not yet pregnant, I fear things about pregnancy.

The biggest fear being a c-section.

I found this blog post via Pintrest:
6 Ways to Avoid a Cesarean Section

Great blog post! I am already working on tip #1. But this post states that 1 in 3 women give birth via a section.  ONE IN THREE!
Those odds frighten me! I DO NOT want to get cut. The idea nauseates me.

It also lists several “interventions” that my friends think I am crazy for wanting to avoid. The main one being- an epidural. This article confirms one of my reasons I do not want one, it slows labor!

My reasons to say NO to the big E:

1. It slows labor. ^^^ Covered that.

2. Big needle + Spine= No. I do not covet the idea of an epically huge needle going anywhere near my spinal cord. Nope.

3. My mom. When my mom had me, the doctors knicked her spinal cord while giving the epidural causing her to have a debilitating headache. I was sent to the NICU and she couldn’t even get out of the bed to see me. Again, no thanks!

There are more reasons, but those are the major three. Call me crazy, but I’d rather “feel it all” than have the complications!

Next intervention mentioned is Induction.

Now, this is particularly relevant as my “best friend” is being induced in about 6 hours. I do not agree with this option- but she is so over being pregnant that I do not think she paused to consider it is not a good option.

I like my MIL’s saying: “When the apple’s ripe,  it’ll fall.”

Due dates are just good guesses, anyway. I think inducing is an easier option for the doctor and the mothers are so ready… they don’t pause to think. Starting labor before the cervix is ready and adding Pitocin is a bad cocktail of hard labor without results. Which coincides with… dun dun duuuuunnnn… C-SECTION!

Check out the article. It makes a lot of sense and to me, confirms my stance of au natural birthing is the way to go.

Opinions?
Questions?
Just wanna talk?

↓↓↓ Have at it! ↓↓↓

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In Another’s Words

I found another blog to follow.

Plus Size Birth
Here is the article that I will be speaking of:
How Much Respect Do Fat Women Deserve?

It is a good question. The author discusses the fact that in Labor and Delivery, plus sized women get very little respect. Criticized, made fun of and left to feel like failures, PSW are often called “C-section Walking” according to this blog post. I can see the trend. Of everyone around me who have had children, more PSW are pressured into giving up and having a section. I am afraid to be in that statistic.

This blog has also landed me into a strange area. My goal is to *not* be plus sized before, during and after my pregnancy. But what constitutes plus size? How will my body react to my weight loss? Will my target weight correspond to being “non-plus size”? All that leads me to the question- will I ever shake the stigma of being plus size?

As far as respect goes, I’ve long gotten past that. Well, maybe not past, but “used to” it. Shopping for clothes is my least favorite activity. I see the looks when I follow my best friend into certain shops. The internal scream of frustration when flipping to the back of the clothing rack and it ends at a large. Holding up an item that says it’s XL but scoffing because it looks like toddler clothing. The feeling of tears burning the back of my eyelids as that cute pair of jeans only comes up to, but not over my thighs.

If you ask me, people need not be harsh or judging toward PSW. We judge and demean ourselves enough as it is. When I put that pair of jeans back on the rack, I don’t need your stare that says “I knew that wouldn’t fit.” What you didn’t know is that it didn’t take me 10 mins to peel out of the jeans. It took 10 mins for my face to return to a normal, non tear stained state.

I’ve strayed a bit. My objective here is to: 1. Give my perspective and 2. Get other’s perspective.  Do you agree with me? Agree with the other blog? How do you feel? Plus sizes and not. Gimme thoughts below! Til next time! ♥

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Oh Baby…

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Baby Fever. Those pesky two words! 9 letters ruling my life at the moment.

Facebook
Pintrest
Instagram
Babies, babies, babies!

I found an article thru Pintrest, it is called “Pregnancy is Contagious.”
What? Really! Pffft.
Pregnancy, is not contagious!
Baby Fever, THAT is contagious!

Looking at my Pintrest board… there is more baby/kid related items than anything else. Seriously. More than what appears publicly, too. I pin pregnancy stuff privately- as not to raise my aunt’s eyebrows. I know I would get an “is there something I should know” call otherwise.

My phone’s internet browser has more pregnancy sites pinned than my best friend- who by the way is ready to launch her 2nd any day now. Sad, I know. This is how I determined that my baby fever has escalated to baby influenza. This started as a joke. I am pondering the hilarity of it now.

I feel under-supported in this phase. Look up baby fever on Pintrest. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Back so soon, eh? My point, exactly. If it’s so prevalent… where are y’all? Scream out to me! I need my fellow feverers! We need a bat signal. Perhaps a big bio-clock… ha!

Til next time♥♥

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One of Those Days

Ever have one of those days where you really want to pinch your significant other’s head off? Like, squishy-squish pinch their head? Hearing the same thing you already know, over and over and freaking over again.

My S.O. and I had this problem today. I love the man to pieces, but I am only human… I can only accomplish so much a day. I get it, we both are frustrated about our current situation. We both are mentally ready to get this family thing going. Unfortunately we have several physical things limiting us at the moment. My health/weight and our house. The house was the gripe factor today.

We have the daunting task of reorganizing and making updates to the house to make it baby worthy. A lot of things need to be pitched, new things need to be bought and the place could use a new coat of paint (more aesthetic than anything, but on the to do list all the same.) This task is causing stress and I am not enjoying it. I know it has to be done… but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

I feel like my weight is our biggest hurdle, but he won’t point that out. I feel like he is growing anxious for our family and at the end of the day- it’s still my fault for not dropping the pounds fast enough. I feel the mounting pressure and I feel trapped. I don’t know what to do. I feel like a huge disappointment. I hate it.

So, yes… I understand his frustration, but I can’t help but shove back for the irritation I have with myself. We are at a stalemate. I just need to breathe and stare down this road, size it up and move forth trying to figure out the direction to go.

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Appreciation

Even after my last post, my mind is still storming around like a two year old with it’s feelings hurt. I still have venting to do. So, therefore, you get a double dose of thought today.

Cutting to the chase- I feel underappreciated. My best friend and her man are expecting #2 anyday now and I just left from there after a false alarm. I bend over backwards for them. I won’t go into specfics, but lets just say, if it wasn’t for me- they wouldn’t be living so cushy.

When we left, I felt like an unwelcomed guest. No, thanks for coming… sorry for the false alarm or sorry you had no rest because you slept on a love seat in a room with no air conditioning. It is agrivating to say the least. I am helping you when I SHOULD be looking out for number one.

After this kid arrives, I need to buckle it down. I am fulfilling my last promise to them- watching their kid while they are in the hospital… then I am done with miss nice lady. I need to focus on getting my FIRST here. No longer going to put my dreams on the back burner to facilitate your dreams.  Period. I need to focus on me. I’m tired of doing for others and then getting treated like its not enough but see them achieve the things I want while they stand on my back. It’s over… I am done.

Ahh. My shoulders feel lighter now.

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“You Don’t Understand…”

“You don’t understand”
“Wait til you have kids”
“It’s something only a mother can know”

I loathe these statements. Maybe it is true. I guess I wouldn’t know. What I do know is that those statements cut me like a knife. I feel that even though I do not have children of my own, I have spent plenty of time around them, caring for them, teaching them. I think I know a thing or two.

Yet, I get met with these statements. Time to time, it pops out like a sneaky ninja in a conversation.  “You’ll understand when you have kids…” It feels like, “You might have studied about kids, gotten a degree, babysat, lived with kids, and taught kids-but you don’t understand them or know how it feels to love them.

Yet, how can I argue this? I DON’T have kids, it’s true. There is nothing I can say to argue the validity of this statement. I just wish my knowledge and opinion was taken more to heart than to be dismissed as invalid because my “mommy creds” aren’t cashed in the form of my own kids.

I feel like this post might be circular and I am chasing the point around. I need honest insight, who can provide this to me? Take your shot below. I bid you farewell for now. Toodleloo…

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The Ol’ Oven…and Pre-Heating It

Ladies! I need your advice. I have times when my cycle gets off kilter. I have taken Chasteberry in the past and it kicked it right back into place. I was thinking of starting this again, but as a daily regimen along with a prenatal to start “pre-heating” my oven, so to speak.

Any of you out there tried this? Have you had success? If not with this combo, what worked for you? I would love for some feedback. As I am on a journey not just to lose weight, but to condition my entire body for carrying a child and of course “the oven” is the most crucial part. Thanks in advance!

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Babies, Babies, Babies

September 11, 2014
This date was already important in our family as it is my sister-in-law’s birthday. This year, she received an amazing gift, her first grandbaby. Her oldest daughter, 19, delivered her baby a little after 6am this morning.

I find myself excited, proud, and overjoyed for my niece. However, after the excitement came the pang of jealousy. The green monster. Seeing the pictures of my 19 year old niece holding her precious daughter, her face emoting the feelings I long for, I have to admit jealousy.

I can’t help but feel confused. As far as my upbringing goes, I’m trying to do it “the right way” but it feels so wrong. My niece did not plan for this baby, she is only 19. At 19, I was in college working on a degree and doing everything to prevent being pregnant. Yet, I look at her and see that as what I wanted. I feel like now, if I had just had a baby then- I would be happy now. I wouldn’t be stuck. Even though, I was doing things “the right way.”

Why does her situation seem so much more desirable, so easy? According to my upbringing, she has done it all wrong. No diploma, no college, not married and has pregnancy medicaid. All her medical bills are covered. Even if I was to get pregnant tomorrow, I have no insurance.  I could not qualify for medicaid. My baby would cost tens of thousands of dollars. Why is the “wrong way” so easy? It doesnt seem fair.

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Tick, Tock Goes the Clock…

Baby Fever- A woman who desires a baby, usually when others around her start having babies.

Do I have baby fever? No. I feel like at this point it is baby influenza.     

At this point, I feel like the only woman my age who is in a stable, commited relationship that does not have a child. In fact, most of my friends are on baby #2. I see my window closing and it leaves me feeling useless.

I am also feeling a bit insane. I constantly research baby topics. Natural births, breast feeding, cry it out vs co sleeping, attachment parenting, crunchy parenting- I’ve seen it all and even have formed my own opinions and picked out what styles I like. All while knowing I am nowhere close to being pregnant.

It’s become a bit worrisome to even myself. I mean, I am sure I throw people off guard when I start speaking my bits of baby knowledge and they know I am not a mom. I mean, seriously… I must seem nutty.

But, its like I can’t help it. It’s my security blanket. If I can’t be pregnant yet, I want to know all about it. I am soaking it all in like I am studying for an exam.

I plan to start reviewing articles I find and post them on here. Hell, if I can’t do anything else but document for later… that’s what i will do. Sure, it’s feeding my crazy, but what I am hoping is that this will reach other women like me. I need some support, because the kind of support I need cannot be found in my real life. I feel alone in this journey. I need some company on this trip!

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So, Here We Are…

So, most TTC blogs are about just that- trying to conceive. My situation is a bit different. I don’t know what it would be called, maybe TTTTC? “Trying to try to conceive?”

So, here’s the picture: I am 27, I am engaged, and I desperately want to begin our family. However there are a few road blocks in our path. The biggest being- my weight. I am 5’2″ and weigh a shameful 210lbs. My fiance and I worry my current weight would cause an unhealthy pregnancy.

When I started I was 230lbs, so I have had some progress, but I feel stalled out. I’ve hit an invisible wall. I’m frustrated and feel like I am spinning my wheels. To make matters worse, it seems like everyone is pregnant. Like the world is taunting me.

I am writing this because in my search of blogs I have found: mommy blogs and TTC blogs, but no “I want a baby, but can’t try yet cause I’m fat” blogs.

I’m frustrated, upset, and feel my bio clock not only ticking, but chiming loudly like Big Ben. Any other women out there like me? Or am I destined to be the lonely fatty who looks at her fat tummy and wishes it was a baby bump?

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