Mommy Advice Needed

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So this time around, I need advice about a situation with Bestie.

Here’s the dillema as I see it:

Little Man is a “titty baby” in every way possible. He wants his mommas boob and nothing else. This is wearing Bestie out. She home schools Turkey and there are days that Little Man makes this damn near impossible.

That being said, I also feel that Bestie is half responsible for perpetuating this. She allows him to use her as a pacifier, she picks him up at any little fuss, she takes him from Loud Mouth, me or anyone else holding him when he first starts to fuss. She complained to me about Loud Mouth not bonding with Little Man… but from what I saw, she doesn’t allow him to. She never even let me try and soothe him, except for when she was in the shower and didn’t know he was fussing. How can Loud Mouth (or anyone else) soothe him and bond when she takes him away to pop the boob in his mouth?

So, I was wondering:
1. Why is Little Man like this? So clingy to her? Are her actions doing this?

2. How can I approach her about this without sounding “too intrusive”? Or should I say anything at all?

3. If I do speak to her about it, what options (if any) should I suggest to help Little Man not be so clingy?

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Christmas Lights Snobs

Butthead and I are self proclaimed Christmas Lights snobs. We don’t mean to, maybe it is a touch of OCD, but we judge Christmas lights. None of which we do in mean spirit, just an amusing way to pass time on the road!

I compiled and named some of the craziness we come across.

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So here goes nothing, Christmas lights Snobs guide to What Not to Do this holiday season! ๐Ÿ™‚ Enjoy!

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The One Strander- Our neighbor created this offense. He hangs one strand every year. Just one, from atop his garage to over his porch. Just one. That’s it. One. *Insert Max from The Grinch shrug here*

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The Mix Match- Blinking and not, led and regular, white and multi-color. Mixing and matching your lights is the quickest way to grab a Grinchy growl from us.

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The Etch-a-Sketch- Trails of lights from the bush to the tree, from the tree to the fence… you have essentially created a 3D Christmas themed etch-a sketch scene, all your lines connect!

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The Floating Spiral- Ah, yes, you throw a strand in the tree during the day, but at night it looks not like a tree but a floating spiral of randomness!

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The Saddler- Net lights are typically used for small bushes, to be stretched out over the bush. Some folks, we have learned, just plop them over top the bush. Voila, bush saddle of lights.

Now for a few that don’t involve lights

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The Bow-tastic- Here a bow, there a bow, everywhere a bow, bow. Bows on EVERYTHING! If you start putting bows on the neighborhood cats… put down the red velvet and walk away!

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The Over-Inflater- Last, but not least! If you cannot see your house for the inflatables in your yard… please, call Horders and pull that overloaded extention cord out of your outside outlet!

Hope this gave you a chuckle! Happy Holidays, y’all!

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The Holiday Herd…

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Okay, so it struck me today that people really do lack originality.  Especially during the holidays. Following the herd never became quite as ironic as it did today.

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Yes. Reindeer cars. Oh how cute it was when they first started popping up! Now, it has become- well…ridiculous! I saw a HERD of these suckers coming down the highway this evening. One, after the other- SUV, mini van, and sedan all alike.

I want to tie you all together and put a sleigh behind you! Complete with a jolly fat white man in a red velvet suit. On Honda, on Chevy, on Kia! On Ford, on Mercury, on Izuzu and Lexus!

But, wait! You all have RED noses! No…no…no! There can only be one Rudolph! C’mon now, folks, how dedicated to this are you?

I need commitment, people! If you are going to do this, entertain me and do this right! Gosh darnit!

–Ahh… my brain is a scary place sometimes. Other times it just makes me giggle.

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Turkey Talk

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If you have read my Cast of Characters page, you know Turkey is my hilarious “niece”.

She cracks me up constantly. After spending the past few days with her… I have to share some “Turkey Talk”.

Talking to Bestie:
“Mom, I love Bubba, but I want a sister too.”
“No. We are done.”
“Well, I will just wish on a star like I did for Bubba and YOU WILL get pregnant again! ”

-After sassing back to Bestie:
Bestie: Don’t be smart!
Turkey: (honestly confused) But, I am smart…
Bestie: Dont be a “Smart-ellic” is what I meant!

Dancing to the Just Dance game-
“This is my JAAAM! ”

Also while playing Just Dance-
(Talking to Butthead)”C’mon Uncle ____, feel the beat with us! ”

Annnd my favorite from this weekend:

-Comes into living room where we are sitting around chatting-
Turkey:(Raises hands in “announcement” form) “Everyone- I have found us a new holiday to celebrate as a family!”

Bestie: Really? (Eyebrow raised and smirking- we all agreed later we were expecting a made up holiday)

Turkey: (very serious) Yes. It is called, Chanukah! (Very proud looking)

Me: (trying not to laugh) Turkey, hunny, we don’t celebrate Chanukah.  We are not Jewish.

Turkey: (disappointed) But you get to light candles and get presents for eight days!

Bestie: Aw, hunny, we celebrate Christmas. Jewish people celebrate Chanukah, remember talking about Jewish people in your lessons?

Turkey: (sigh) Okayyy. Yes. (Sulks away)

Haha! Poor Turkey. She perked up after she realized her Elf wouldn’t come if we didn’t celebrate Christmas. She loves that dang Elf!

Hope you enjoyed Turkey talk! I see MIL tomorrow, so I might have another No Filter for you! โ™ก

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Vaping and It’s Positive Effects on Me

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For more “Vape Life” posts visit my Favorite Topics Page

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Vaping has been the greatest recent change I have made to my life. I was skeptical at first. Skeptical that: 1. It would keep me from smoking and 2. That it would make such a difference!

It has made an astonishing difference. It has been a month now since I have even attempted to smoke. So much has already changed! I cannot wait to see how much better it will become once I start hitting more milestones!

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Ten Great Benefits So Far:

1. My sense of smell– It’s amazing! I was completely clueless as to how much my nose was missing!

2. How I smell- I no longer smell like an ashtray. I enjoy putting on my coat and smelling the laundry detergent.

3. My breath and teeth- I no longer feel like I have to constantly chew gum. My teeth are starting to not look as dingy!

4. I don’t feel like I am running away from convo. – I no longer have to banish myself away for ten minutes at a time, just to return smelling of smoke.

5. No nicotine hands- No yellow fingers and nails. Also, if you have ever smoked and then put in contacts, you know how horrible it is to have nicotine in your eyes. It’s like Satan spit in your eye.

6. No more burns- As any smoker knows, accidents happen. Eventually you burn yourself, your clothes or your surroundings. Great thing about vapes-no fire!

7.  I can skip the convience store– I had to go buy smokes once a day. I now drive by the store on the way home and stick out my tongue! Haha!

8. Saving money- I have saved over $200.00 so far (not including Butthead) and have not smoked 50+ packs of smokes.

9. Energy and healing- It is absolutely amazing! Yesterday, Butthead, Bestie, Loud Mouth, Turkey and I tried out Just Dance on the Kinect for Xbox. I was UH-MAZED at how I did. I was not gasping for air, I did not feel like I had to stop- and we were gettin’ it!  Previously, I would have been fall down exhausted and gasping like a fish out of water. I loved feeling the difference! Plus, this morning, I did not ache. I was expecting to feel like I got hit by a truck! Amazing, I tell you!

10. This is by far the MOST important and life changing part. – My breathing.  I have not discussed this issue, mainly because of my own embarrassment. I HAD sleep apnea. Notice I said, had. Since I have quit smoking, I no longer snore as bad and I don’t choke at night (according to Butthead. ) Previously I snored terribly. Not cute, girly, wispy snoring- we are talking, strangling a wildebeest type snoring. (Again, terribly embarrassing) Loud Mouth and Bestie noticed this weekend that they did not hear me like they had before. They also noticed I was breathing lighter in general.

I am so pleased to hear that others are noticing a difference! It is exciting for me to know my apnea is going away. You see, I have been holding back the ENTIRE truth from y’all, my weight was not my only health roadblock to motherhood. Butthead and I knew I could not carry a child while having sleep apnea. It was not a risk we wanted to take.

So, folks- this marks one hurdle passed on my road to motherhood!

*HAPPY DANCE*

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Black Friday Fail

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Okay, so I’ve nursed my wounds enough to be able to write this. Let me just say… this experience COMPLETELY validated the reason I steered clear of this hoopla in the past. Humph.

To say I am salty over this experience is an extreme understatement. So if you detect tones of anger, bitterness and resentment, you are doing well into reading my emotional state.

Allow me to set the scene for you:
The entire week leading up to Thanksgiving, Butthead had been dropping his usual not-so-subtle hints. Elbowing me during the Wal-Mart commercial and saying “hmmm?” and pointing. (Yes, sometimes he reduces to a three year old.)

He wants a flat screen TV. I get it. Our ol Magnavox set is the TV I got as a child. Yes, my very first T.V. I got in second grade. It may very well be older than some of you! (Gasp) As everything is “enhanced” for digital, it degrades for standard TV. Its is getting damn near impossible to read smaller print and forget knowing the score on a Fox sports event.

So… sneeky ol me goes ahead and withdraws the cash on Wednesday! We get to MILs that evening and I tell her my idea. We plot to check out Wally World early Thanksgiving morning. I am pumped.

7 fricking 30 am… my butt is dragging thru the doors of Wal Mart. I trudge to electronics to find the circular and to get the scoop on the sales later that evening. But what do my wondering, sleepy eyes spy… a “pre black Friday” special tag. Color me interested.

40in Emerson LED HDTV for $115.00

Why, yes… I’ll take it! No crowds? No lines? Yes! Let me go consult sir Butthead… and I will be back!

Fast forward to 1pm. I dash back to electronics, happy as Santa’s little elves to retrieve my man a TV. This is how that played out:

Me to clerk: I would like this Emerson, please. (Smile and point to shiny TV.)

Clerk: (snort) We don’t have any.

Me: (smile fades, eyebrow raises) What?

Clerk: We sold out days ago.

Me: (befuddled) Uhm. (Looks back at deceptive signage) But, you still have the sign up. See? (Points with gusto)

Clerk: Yeah. We have to.

Me: so…raincheck?

Clerk: Uhm, no. No rainchecks.

Me: Kayyyy. So- (getting pissed)- you have a sign up for something you no longer have?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: You should take it down then!

Clerk: Can’t. Why should we take it down? We still have to advertise the price.

Me: (astounded and pissed) What? You DON’T HAVE IT! Why do you need to advertise the PRICE when you can’t get THE PRODUCT?! That’s like putting up a candy bar on the shelf and saying-oh, yeah… that’s a dollar, but you can’t buy it. WHAT IS THE POINT?!

-this continues, MIL jumps in, calls him a moron and declares false advertising. All to no avail, we walk away pissed and TV-less. I swear I will never go back to Wal-Mart! –

So I go back to MILs house, break down crying to Butthead. He consoles me as I blubber between sobs about wanting to suprise him and get him the TV. I think I even blubbered about “the meanies” at Wal Mart. He hugged me and laughed.

Fast forward to after dinner. I sit at the kitchen table staring at the circular from Wal Mart. Drumming my fingers, I stare at the 32in TV listed for $98.00. I begin to think, that was my first mistake. I map it out in my head. The sale for that TV starts at 8pm. I can get there at 6pm and stand 2hrs. That’s no big deal!

So…I puff up and load up. I triumphantly drive into town. As I pull into the madness, I begin to get that “are you sure you’re sure” feeling. After much patience and a shit ton of luck we get a parking spot (yes, MIL braved it with me). I weave my way back to the stupid balloon that said 32in TV-8pm. I get excited because no one is lined up. Then I got confused, because no one was lined up.

I notice a couple of clerks with yellow vests. The same yellow as the balloon. I figured, hey, make sure you are in the right spot. I ask the guy. He was as nice as could be, but he informed me that all the bracelets for the TV had been claimed.

WHAT.

He agreed it was total BS and apologised profusely. I think he could sense my impending emotional break. I thanked him and walked out cussing Wal Mart.

SCREW YOU, WAL-MART and you deceptive deals.

NEVER
EVER
EVER
A G A I N.

EEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVEEEEERRRRR

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Best Friends

Bestie and I FINALLY cleared the air. Apparently I thought she didn’t want/need me around and she thought I didn’t want to be around because I was mad or something. Turns out we didn’t want to “bother” each other and were too stubborn to pick up the phone.

I have spent today chatting with Bestie, snuggling with Little Man and laughing with Turkey. My heart is so full today.

I also feel very proud that I was able to give Bestie a few breaks during the day. Little man does not like being away from mommy, even a few minutes- but apparently I put the aunty magic on him and was able to keep him happy each time I gave Bestie a break.

But as you might have guessed-baby fever is baaaaaaack!

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It’s back with a vengeance! I couldn’t help but hear my uterus scream at me everytime I held him-“Yeah, holding a baby… feels so NATURAL doesn’t it! ”

*pipe down, baby carriage… I get it! Shhesh*

For more Baby Fever posts, check out my Favorite Topics Page!

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New Vape Things

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For more Vape Life, check out my Favorite Topics

Over the holiday I acquired new vape things! Some good, some not so much! Here’s the rundown!

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1. Vintage E-Liquid “The Joker”
Wonderful taste, it is a creamy smooth blend with a hint of orange. It vapes great with a wonderful cloud production. It also comes in an easy to carry, zippo style bottle. It is quite wonderful!

2. This tank.– I don’t know what to even call it. Crap would be accurate. To be fair, it was $2.50 at a gas station, but I expected it would last at least 24 hours. My coil was going bad and I did not have a spare. I decided to get this tank to see me thru Thanksgiving. It lasted a total of *maybe* 15 hours before it stopped registering on my battery. Lucky for me, my coil wasn’t completely kaput.

3. My new coils! – I got the five pack the day after Thanksgiving! Ahhh. Satisfying vape returned and all was well!

4. My new tip- I got this for free, so I didn’t get to be too choosy.  I am still a little hesitant to use a metal tip. I have this fear i will knock my teeth out with it, haha!

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I also “blinged” my vape. I made a charm and attached it. Just adds a little personality to it!  ๐Ÿ™‚

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No Filter Round 5

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Ah. Thanksgiving. It brings out the best No Filterisms. Enjoy!
(For previous No Filters, check out my Favorite Topics page! )

-Reading dessert recipes in a cookbook:
“Better than sex cookies… (snickers to self) I need to make me some of those! “

-Telling our client about us making deviled eggs:
But, I wrap the carton in aluminium foil, so it doesnt make the fridge smell like a big fart.”
(I swear, folks I can’t make this sh!t up!)

-Asking the lady employee at Kroger where something is:
“So, do you actually know where things are, or are you just directing traffic?”

-Butthead and MIL discussing the sweet potatoes:
Butthead: Okay, they’re ready to go.
MIL: Watch em close
Butthead: Mom, I won’t burn them … like someone I know. (Her knack for burning the marshmallows has become legendary.)
-few minutes later-
Butthead: SHIT! -pulls sweet taters out with chared marshmallow topping-
MIL: -busts out laughing- Just like home! *sing-song voice* Memories, ohhh Memories!

…but my favorite memory with MIL this Thanksgiving was making a Pineapple Upside-down Cake with her. I melted the butter and sugar. She mixed the batter. We placed the pinapple and cherries, poured the batter and baked it. It came out perfect! ๐Ÿ™‚ our first time baking it! We were so proud of ourselves, we even high fived! โ™กโ™กโ™ก

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Oh, the Material!

I have so much to catch you all up on!

-My first black friday experience.
-More No Filter moments.
-Baby fever has returned.
– A new Vape experience, new juice review.

Now just to collect all my thoughts! I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  I did, mostly.

But that’s for later!

Oh and tip of the day:
You know it’s the night before grocery day when your dinner consists of a cheese quesadilla and a side of scrambled eggs. (Sigh)

Later, y’all!

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