My Heart is Breaking

There are no words.

MIL is gone.

–Just like that. In a span of a few hours, happy family time turned tragic heart break.

She was fine… or so we thought. Just thought she was having an asthma attack. Turns out RA meds masked severe pneumonia.

It doesn’t seem real.
Make it stop!
She can’t be gone!
Not my second Mom!

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forgettable

Try as I might, I am forgettable.

Maybe because I don’t wave my arms and scream- LOOK AT ME!

Perhaps it’s the way I put others first- even when I need so much.

I don’t cause a fuss. Nare a ripple in the water.

I don’t do what I do for any recognition. But, at the same time it hurts to be forgotten all the time.

No one notices when I am sad. That happy face works too well.

No one knows how many tears flow from my eyes. Hot showers conceal puffy eyes and sobs.

This illusion of treading easily a top the water must work well from a distance, because I’ve been drowning for so long- but no one notices.

I am forgettable.

Disappointed

So, I don’t expect much, but this birthday blew big time.

The lady did pass away. MIL didn’t remember it was my bday, if it wasn’t for facebook… I doubt anyone would remember.

Butthead was the only one who made any special effort for me. I expected an invite for a lil cake and some wine from Bestie. Nope. Only text I got was if I still had diapers for her that MIL got.

Not that I should be suprised. I think I was too hopeful to see it, but has really become-if I don’t benefit her in some way, I’m not worth her time.

I want some folks in my life that will suprise me with a fucking cake. A FUCKING CAKE. That’s all. Just show me you CARE. FUUUUUCCCKKK.

I AM SO TIRED OF BEING IGNORED.

Another Year…

T-minus 2 hours left in my 27th year on this planet.

I am not quite as freaked out or depressed as I thought I’d be.

Although, there is a high probability that the lil old lady I take care of might pass away tomorrow. That sucks, a lot.

That is part of my absence on here lately. I was called in as a secondary caregiver for the couple my MIL works for. The lady has terminal brain cancer and is in in-home hospice. Today was pretty bad, she is showing all the classic signs of getting ready to depart this world. 😦

It sucks either way, but I would still rather her not pass on my birthday. That would REALLY suck!
Butthead worries I am too emotional for this line of work. But how can you be a CAREgiver and not care?! To me, you can’t!

Well… if you are so inclined to do so- please pray for the lil lady!
Thanks!

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