Quick Update

24 Hours, no cig!

I still have half a pack… but I wanted to see how I’d do, if I could make it 24hrs.

And, I did!

What’s A Girl To Do?

As many of you saw, I have been struggling to cope with Besties new role as a mommy x2.

I took a cue from the comments you lovelies made and reached out to see how things were going. Turns out, she’s quite busy. Not in the “my hands are full” kind of busy, but already bouncing around to her cousins who have just had babies to have play dates kind of busy.

Now, we (Butthead and I) usually accompany her, Loud Mouth, and their daughter to Trick or Treat. This year, I get this reply- “We already have plans, maybe we can hang next weekend” When I replied “oh, okay.” I get the consolation text of “you can join us if you want, my cousins and I are taking the kids to the square.”

Sigh. Am I being unfair to feel like an outcast? I feel like I am losing her to other mommy friends/family. It’s like this rollercoaster of emotions:
“she doesn’t need me.”
“Maybe she does, she is just busy”
“she’s not too busy, she just needs other mommies- not me.”

HELP! How can I shake this? Or am I just going to have to deal with the fact that being a mommy 2x over changes the game so much… we just won’t be able to connect like before?

I am scared of losing her… but I feel like I’d sound whiny or bitchy to if I say anything. I dunno what to do. Any advice?

No Filter

No filter. This is a condition that has been created and lovingly defined through experiencing my Mother in Law at her finest (and sometimes, not finest) moments.

I love my MIL. She is a helluva woman, works like crazy, raised four kids (most of those years by herself) and can still run circles around me at 65.

The things that spout from this woman’s mouth… Lord, help me! Will make you crack up, bug your eyes, or slink away in silence.

No Filter-isms:

-in response to neighbors shooting off fireworks at 8pm this past Sunday: “He needs to stop that! (Mutters. ..) use those things as a suppository… that’ll change his mind!”

-bank teller won’t let her withdraw off a check just deposited: “That is the STUPIDEST policy I’ve ever heard of! You WON’T let me have MY money? Ha! KEEP IT! I WON’T BE BACK!”

-To me, in Wal-Mart: “How’s the weight loss going? (Good) Great! We need to get you walking more and have a baby… we need more babies in the family! ”

-In the Mexican restraunt with her sisters: *some one mentions Lesbians (or Lisbins as she says) she pops her head up* “My neighbors are funny like that” and goes back to eating  **disclaimer- she isn’t hateful… I swear, she really just DOESN’T think of how bad things sound sometimes!**

-Dropping my step brother in law off at work, as soon as he step out the car- commenting on his massive overuse of cologne: “Smells like a french whore…”

LOL AND SMH! See why I constantly facepalm… 😀

Do any of your friends or family suffer from a lack of filter?  Let me know! Til next time!

Change for the Better

So, today has been my first full day with a vape.

eLeaf iStick with KangerTech ProTank2
It’s cute, fits my hand and I think it will work for me. Where as I would have already smoked a full pack today, I have smoked 7 cigs. Only reason I have even smoked those is to get rid of them. I am pretty proud of myself! I hope I can keep it up.

I love my ejuice flavor 🙂 key lime and margarita! It is 75/25 VG to PG.  It gives a great hit and plenty of satisfying vapor.

I am currently vaping as I write this. I feel like a cig at the moment, but if I didn’t have a pack right in front of me, I think I could handle not smoking. I am testing my strength. Looking at the pack, but puffing my vape. So far so good…

I have to remind myself… this is for the best. Quitting smoking will help me breathe better, exercise better and feel better.  I do worry about nicotine withdrawl. It causes food cravings. I worry this will hurt my weight loss… but time will tell! Wish me luck, and if you pray, say a little prayer for me too,  please! ♡

I am in a mood

Boy, I am just in a mood I cannot escape from today. I really need more female friends in my life.

Someone I can talk to, unfortunately… all my friends are Mommies now, and well… don’t have time for me. Bestie has not called or text me since little man came home. He will be a month old next Thursday.

I understand this is an important settling in time for them. I understand she must be exhausted from breastfeeding every three hours, that is expected. I just feel lonely.

I have Butthead, yes… but, I grow tired of him. Okay, that sounds mean. I mean, I grow tired of it just being him. Day in and day out, I need a new person to talk to. I feel excluded from the ever growing mommy club. It’s doublely frustrating because I WANT to be in that club.

As I sit here, I feel like crying. I hate facebook these days. It just reminds me of how everyone else is expecting or loving their mommy life. I feel like I am withdrawing into a shell because I can’t fit in.

How did I get here? I put all my friendship eggs in one basket and now that basket has forgotten how to hold those eggs… so now the eggs lie smashed on the floor.

Ok. Stupid analogy. But, shit. I am not enjoying myself, I am a pitiful depressed person. I dislike this “me.”

Sigh. I just needed to vent. Maybe this has helped. Time will tell.

Dear Mom

Momma,

I miss you so much! I cannot believe it has been 9 years. There are so many things I want to ask you! Things I thought we’d have time for, things I never learned.

Momma, I wish I had paid more attention to you cook. I am miserable at it. I can make ediable dishes, but nothing spectacular like you did!

Momma, I wish you could be here to help my baby fever. I wish you could be here for that joyious day when I do find out I am expecting. To be there, share experiences, tell me things, walk me through it and most of all to hold your grandchild.

Momma, I will miss you so much more on days like that. The important ones… the day I walk down the aisle. I wish you could be there- both of us holding back tears, you telling me how beautiful I am. Everything I envisioned as a little girl, now is a bit bleaker because you will not be there.

A mother is so important. I cherished our time together- but 18 years was simply not enough! I still need my Mommy at 27 years old. I get so jealous seeing other women and their moms, sharing experiences, even if it is a simple chat over coffee.

I will never get to see you hold my child, tell me how much they looked like me or act like me. No cutesy stories of my babydom to compare to my child. I feel so robbed already. I feel like my future children have been robbed of what great grandparents you and Daddy would have been.

I don’t even know what names you wanted to be called… nanny, paw paw… I don’t know and I never will. That breaks my heart into so many pieces.

I miss you. I miss Daddy.  I love you both.♡
Love,
Your Baby Girl

Screw You, Always!

Today I had an epiphany. Nothing life changing, no. Just annoying and well, rather depressing.

Pad companies have women locked down for life. Gah!

I saw a commercial today for the Always Discrete line of pads and briefs. Basically a bunch of women rejoycing and dancing in adult diapers. Oh, jeez.

Then I thought to myself… holy crap. Always has grabbed up the slack in their market. They have completely got us now. So this is my life… this is what I have to look forward to.

Basically, once I have no need for their products for menstruation- I will need their products for peeing myself. Oh happy day. Because- as their tag line says- pee happens.

Pee happens! Yes, ladies– this is their tag line! PEE HAPPENS.
-insert facepalm here-

Now, it is my understanding that after childbirth things like sneezing and laughing cause a bit of an issue. But- is it really, diaper bad? Cause that’s scary! Hit me with the truth, lovelies!
Til next time!♡♡

Halloween

I love Halloween!

Maybe I am just a big kid, but I LOVE it. I am kinda disappointed my scary post didn’t get an overwhelming approval. I could write stories like that all day! It’s so fun! But, I digress.

Halloween- the most awesome holiday (in my opinion) so often gets overshadowed by the ever expanding Christmas season. I love Christmas too, but my gosh… I DO NOT want to see Santa and his cheery little minions in SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER!

Seriously! Even one of my neighbors has already decorated their house for Christmas! No kidding! BEFORE HALLOWEEN! Imagine this scene, if you will… trick or treating with your kids. You approach the next house and your kid asks “mommy, why is Santa in this yard!? Is Santa scary?”

I know this will happen! Poor kids! These people will confuse all the littles! And you can’t exactly look at Jr and say- “Sorry honey, some people are morons!” Hmph. Again… I digress.

So, Mommies! I have a question.
How many of you still do the good old fashioned Trick or Treat? House to house like in the good ol days? Bestie and I argued over this last year. I was complaining about “Trunk or Treating” and other various cop-outs that parents do now a days.  She gave me the dreaded… “You’ll understand…” response. Pft.

I want more opinions.
Trunk or Treat– “better and safer” or “wussification cop-out?”

Just For Fun

This is not a normal post of mine. I am stretching my bloggy legs and trying something a bit different. After all, variety is the spice of life-right?

So, for fun and in the spirit of Halloween… I thought I’d recount a ghostly encounter. The root of the story is real… I might embellish a bit for fun. I hope y’all like it. If not, I guess I will not venture in this direction again. 🙂

“Old Houses”-k.leighann

Kathy had just moved a town away. A typical small southern town, forgotten by time, played host to plenty of old, run down mill houses. The house itself felt of a time gone by, as if it was clinging to memories of it’s glory days.

Kathy did not choose the house for any special reason. She needed an affordable roof over her head. She and her four kids made the house a home quickly. As I helped her oldest daughter Melanie, 16,  get settled we talked about the eerie closet in her room.

It was oddly chilly, as if a draft immenated from within it. After the first few nights, Melanie confided to me that she pulled all her things from the closet and placed a table in front of the door. I questioned her. She pulled me to the front porch. Melanie appeared frightened, she looked around as if someone was listening.

“There is something, someone, in there.” She whispered. I fully knew that it was possible for a 16 year old to be dramatic, but her eyes were sincere. “Every night at 2 am, a creaking and tapping begin.”

“”Creaking and tapping?” I questioned “Maybe tree branches hitting the roof?”

She shook her head violently, no. Her eyes widen, “Creaking like a rope, tapping like something hitting the door- rhythmically, like it’s swinging”

I knew then what she was suggesting. Chills ran over my body. It was obvious this house had a dark past. As we began talking about ways to bring in positive energy, I suggested a white candle. I knew her mother had one in a glass that had the Virgin Mary depicted on it.

As soon as the suggestion slipped my lips, the left side of my face stung. The side of my face closest to her window. It was a cold November night. The rest of my face was ice cold. Why was this side burning like fire? I held my face, eyes questioning hers.

“What? What happened?”she asked. I told her, her eyes darted to the window.

“Mhhmmm…uh-uh…nooo…” she muttered. “No. It doesn’t like this, us…you!”

I was mad. Red sided face and all… I marched to the cabinet to retrieve the candle. Don’t mess with my family. Melanie begged me not to, as I lit the candle and placed in her room. As I set it on the table, she stood in the doorway. I turned and looked at her. She immediately pointed behind me. The candle was out.

I lit it again, I stood there this time to watch the flame. It’s golden glow lighting the room. I waited to see it burn strongly. No flickering, no leaning as if it was in a draft. The flame was strong and steady as I backed away. I backed almost to the doorway then turned. As my eyes hit Melanie, her face was blank. I followed the line of her unblinking stare back to the candle. No flame.

I grumble as I light the candle a third time. I give a huff as I put the candle back down. I get to the doorway and grab Melanies arm. “I need some coffee, c’mon.”

We are halfway down the hall when we hear the glass shatter. We run to the doorway. Chills ran down my spine. It looked like someone had took a mallet to the candle. Glass and wax spatter the table. We decided that was enough. I tell Melanie to grab her pillow and blanket as I cleaned the mess.

“I will see if you can sleep in the living room tonight” I told her, raking the last bits of glass into the garbage pail. As Melanie picks up her pillow and turns to me, we both stop. The guitar across her room pulls our focus from our conversation.

With no motion in the room, the sound of each string being strummed fills our ears. It sounded like someone gently hit each string with a pick in one slow strum. Enough was enough, Melanie ran and I was close behind her.

Mommy Questions

In order to further my research into Motherhood, I have decided to venture into an interactive style post. Seeing as a lot of my followers are mommies, mommies to be and those who desire motherhood, I hope this will be informative! Please, if you have insight, add your two cents below!

Questions:

1. What was/is the ONE “luxury” (I.e.- not “essential”) baby item you cannot imagine doing without?

2. What brand bottle do you swear by?

3. What brand diaper do you swear by?

4. What is the MOST annoying baby product? (Feel free to rant)

5. Making homemade baby food- “cost effective and healthy enough to justify the time” or “pipe dream, who has the time”?

Thanks in advance, ladies! If this goes well enough, look for more posts to chime in on!