My Biggest Struggle

I have dipped lightly into this topic previously. But, I feel the need to put this out there. Confront this demon head on. It burdens my heart and I need to “put pen to paper” or so to speak… and just get it off my chest!

I.
HATE.
MY.
BODY.

Always have. From the time I started “developing”. I went from the gangly little tom boy to a chesty, hippy awkward teen. Looking back, I wish I had more confidence.  Looking at pictures, I see a pretty girl who thought she was ugly and fat.

Truth be told, I would be happy to be that size again. In high school, I was a size 14. 5’2″ and around 150 lbs. I played soccer and swam on my swim team. I was active and never got smaller. I was *healthy* but I wished I was skinny. I idolized skinny. I wanted a flat tummy. I wanted to be “cute.”

I think back to those days. That young me and I want to shake myself. Dont let yourself go. Dont give up. Maintain… you are perfectly fine.

Even Butthead saw it. Even though I had added about 10 lbs from stress, he saw my beauty at 18. He still does, actually. Almost 10 years and a lot of pounds later. He tells me I am beautiful. Why can’t I feel it though?

What I see in the mirror isn’t beautiful to me. I see my skin aging. I see my big forehead and tiny nose. I hate both of my chins equally. I see gravity taking hold of my chest and a stretch marked stomach that has never held a child to excuse the marks. My thighs jiggle too much and I have huge calves from my soccer days (and crappy genetics). My feet are okay. I do have cute toes, if they are polished.

Butthead gets upset when I dismiss his comments about my beauty. How can I see what he sees? Shouldnt I be able to take pride in the fact he calls me sexy? Shouldn’t that make me feel sexy and beautiful?

I feel broken. I would love to be confident. I would love to feel like those girls who are “proud to be thick” and triumphantly sing “all about that bass”. But I can’t. I can pretend, but I can’t honestly wrap my head around it!

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I need to start saying this motto, though. I need to start loving me. I need to love my body, so I can see what he sees. I have to battle these demons, because if I have a little girl one day, I want her to be confident.

I want her to know she can move mountains. I want her to know her beauty is more than a reflection in the mirror. But how can I teach her to love herself, when I don’t love myself?
Til next time♡♥♡♥

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7 thoughts on “My Biggest Struggle

  1. I have huge self esteem issues. Have from the instant I hit puberty. Maybe even before that. I recently started to alter my outlook… It’s taking time but I’m making slow progress. It wasn’t until I truly started to believe I was “beautiful” that I actually started to see physical changes. I have Polycystic ovaries, Irritable bowel syndrome AND insulin resistance. My weight, is a downright bitch. But I work bloody hard to keep my body looking somewhat presentable, and I’m proud of that! The first hill is the hardest – once you start believing, it gets better. I’m not saying it’s a quick fix – I still have a long way to go – but it gets better 🙂 x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are beautiful!! What Butthead (why is that hard for me to type?) sees is not only the physical, but the beauty that transcends the physical. Obviously, you have a kind heart and a sweet spirit, that much shines through your written word. I’ve never seen you, or a pic of you, but I can tell you are truly beautiful. You are taking the steps to be healthier. Keep traveling that road. How do you learn to love yourself? Not sure, other than taking pride in the battles you’ve won, the heartache you’ve overcome and, for me, by having faith and a joy that comes from believing that this life isn’t all there is!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much!!! ♡♥♡♥
      Lol, I understand Butthead is an odd term of endearment, lol!
      But, thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement! I have a long way to go… but I have overcome a lot. I like that idea… what has broken me before makes me stronger now. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I could have written this post myself. Wish I could tell my 20-year-old self who was an athletic 160 pounds at 5’8 and couldn’t lose more weight that I was just fine! But no, gave up and ate what I wanted, and 10 years later, it’s not good at all.

    Liked by 1 person

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